Smokey posing for her fans

'I AM the Dark Heroine'

‘I AM the Dark Heroine’

The Dark Heroine cover

I AM THE DARK HEROINE.  Look, the book is even colour coordinated with moi.  It’s also about vampires – you know, those creatures of the night with cat-like teeth, independence and feline grace.  The Dark Heroine: Dinner with a Vampire was written by Abigail Gibbs; I wouldn’t want to have Abigail as a servant, though, because she’s a vegetarian.  I wouldn’t be given portions of hot, fresh charcoal chicken in HER house…

My servant tells me this novel is inspired by Twilight, not by moi [disdainful glare at servant]; apparently it’s the ‘sexiest vampire story yet’, expected to be the new 50 Shades of Grey.  WHERE IS THE FUN IN THAT?!  It should be ALL ABOUT ME!!!  Don’t you realise that cats are the CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE?  The ancient Egyptians got it right when they worshipped us… [sigh]

I want to know when 50 Paws of Grey is coming out.

Diary of the Dead

George Romero’s Diary of the Dead looks pretty horrific and smells worse.  I mean seriously?  Once something has been dead for a while, IT STINKS.  I like my meat FRESH, people, COOKED and FRESH.

Sauna

I don’t understand this next one AT ALL.  Sauna?  My servant tells me saunas ARE A THING?!  I understand the horror element of this movie all too well.  Whenever it gets hot I lie under the air con vents and pant miserably, sometimes deigning to meow pitifully or just look expectantly at my servant until she takes pity on me and switches the damn thing on.  Seriously, the air con controls should be at paw height.

Fear[s] of the Dark cover

Twilight’s tendrils slither, chasing late afternoon light away, heralding the mysterious envelope of darkness… What?  NO.  NOT that Twilight.  [sigh]  Where was I?  Oh, yes…  I relish the onset of night, my hunting instincts arise, claws slicking, expanding from their sheaths, eyes engorge, hungry for darkness…  Fear[s] of the Dark is clearly a HUMAN thing.

The blurb from Madman:

FEAR(S) OF THE DARK is a unique collection of fearful tales by the world’s most cutting-edge, acclaimed graphic artists. Their intertwined stories make up an unprecedented epic where phobias, disgust and nightmares come to life and reveal fear at its most naked and intense.

The only thing that really disgusts me is the smell of my cat tray occasionally, when I have to yowl at the servants until the secondary servant cleans it.  Oh, and getting my feet wet.  That’s truly disgusting too.

Silent House cover

I don’t like a silent house.  I feel sad and lonely when the servants go out… [head and tail droop] but don’t tell the servants I said so.  They’d never guess – I see them off and I usually welcome them home, gracious creature that I am.

The Silent House sounds like a horror story to mew…   I think I’ll condescendingly allow Liz Vinton to review this one… [sniff]

KYOFU cover

KYOFU is from the creator of Ring.  Madman says:

As children, sisters Kaori and Miyuki watched a mysterious white light appear on an old 16 mm film. 17 years later, the now death-obsessed Miyuki suddenly disappears and her sister attempts to track her down through a mysterious suicide website. Her investigations lead her to be reunited with her insane mother, Etsuko, whom is planning to repeat a forbidden brain experiment. The procedure will open up one’s perception of reality, allowing one to see into the afterlife. But, it seems that the afterlife does not want to be seen…

Everyone knows that cats already have super-human perceptions of reality [sits erect with tail curled around front paws, emanating smugness].  WE don’t have to battle the supernatural for permission.  [raises nose even higher in the air]

Kolchak: the night stalker

I absolutely refuse to believe there was a thing called ‘the seventies’ because IT DIDN’T INVOLVE MEEE.  I am, as I’ve implied before, a fan of supernatural and superhuman themes; we cats [lying down stretched out, minutely examining the extended claws of one paw] excel in our affinity, our perceptions, our…

Yes, ALL RIGHT.  I’ll get to the point.  [glares at servant before sheathing claws, cocking head to one side and directing a contemplative gaze towards the ceiling]

Kolchak: Night Stalker is allegedly a TV series from this era that doesn’t exist, that allegedly paved the way for the X-Files, another TV series upon which I haven’t bestowed my royal blessing – [servant looks as though she’s about to interrupt] – oh all right!  I may have seen portions of the X-Files.   My servants don’t own the entire series, only a few DVDs to date, but the servants do own the entire series of the Lone Gunmen, an X-Files spin-off.  SATISFIED NOW???  [glares at servant, who is suitably cowed, while Smokey stalks away, head and tail erect] [servant clears throat]

She’s such a hard task-master!  This morning I had a brief flutter on twitter and Smokey intervened, walking all over my computer desk, settling in my lap, walking over the desk again until she stood over my mouse

Smokey supervising her servant

Smokey supervising her servant –
she’s a ‘paws on’ kind of kitty

Finally I submitted to Smokey’s demands, putting photos of Her Royal Self online.  As soon as I uploaded the above photos, satisfied, Smokey disappeared, allowing me full use of the keyboard and mouse.

This, dear reader, is my lot in life….