A commentary with spoilers by Nalini Haynes; this one is sadly lacking in puns
Grey Worm is learning to read. He says he doesn’t want a different life, he wants to kill the masters like Daenerys told them to when she freed them.
From the reading room to the sewer, Grey Worm’s transition is swift.
In the city sewers, slaves are debating whether to rise up against their masters to ally with Daenerys. Grey Worm enters. Even though he’s dressed like the other slaves, Grey Worm stands out with his slender but muscular physique.
A master sees graffiti on a city wall apparently written in blood before he spies Daenerys’s flag on the peak of a roof. The slaves attack.
Attacking one slave master in the dead of night is sufficient for a celebration the next morning. (Yeah I know: as a child I learnt that 3 daleks can surround a building.)
Daenerys orders the masters nailed to crosses like they nailed slaves to crosses to mark the way to their city. “I will answer injustice with mercy”.
Bronn gives Jaime a whack in the face with his false hand and then some lip for dessert. Afterwards, Jaime visits Tyrion in the dungeons. Tyrion is somewhat depressed.
Jaime asks if he killed Joffrey.
“The kingslayer brothers” is the name of my next band.
Tyrion says, “Sansa’s not a killer. Not yet anyway.” Not like Arya. Don’t underestimate the Stark women.
Instead of seeing Arya, we visit whiny Sansa on a ship, asking Littlefinger if he killed Joffrey.
Littlefinger tells her that a stone was missing from her necklace after the feast. She realizes that the poison was in her stone. He says it was to confuse his enemies. “I’d risk everything to get what I want.”
“And what do you want?” Mr Morden would be proud.
“Everything.” LIttlefinger has new friends who will help him grow strong.
Oleanna Tyrell is leaving Margery alone in Kings Landing because she’s bored.
Oleanna says she knows who killed Joffrey. So, unlike the books that leave it not quite defined, the series says the Tyrells and Littlefinger are in cahoots. With blood on their hands.
Up to the Wall. The Wildlings are taking FOR-EV-ER to show up. Jon Snow has recovered from almost dying from arrow wounds and is training the men. It must have been a miraculous recovery because, surely, the Wildlings would have showed up within days and not weeks later.
The not-bastard in charge of the Night’s Watch would rather not have the men well trained just so he can bully Jon Snow.
The guy who chopped off Jaime’s hand makes friends with Jon Snow.
Cersei talks to Jaime, ripping into him for only posting one man on Tommen’s door. Then she asks why Catlin set Jaime free. Cersei projects her own murderous tendencies onto her little brother, demands that 4 men guard Tommen then dismisses her brother and former lover. It must be tricky to have a former lover in the workplace; how much more so when it’s not a dual relationship but a triple relationship: work, family and ex.
On Oleanna’s advice, Margery visits Tommen’s bedroom to build a relationship with him. At least in the TV version he’s a bit older than in the books.
Brienne is in the Kings Guard tower, reading the book that records Jaime’s valorous deeds. Jaime sends Brienne to find Sansa and keep her safe. Before she leaves, he gives her his Valyrian steel sword that she names Oathkeeper and some sexy sexy armor.
He also gives her Podrick, a gift she’s not as enthusiastic about. Podrick and Brienne make for some light relief as the new odd couple.
Samwise worries about Gilly, arguing with Jon about retrieving her.
Allister sanctions Jon’s expedition to Craster’s Keep so the mutineers can kill Jon, taking care of Jon for him. Jon is quite the one for speechifying then his friends volunteer to go with him.
That creepy guy from Torchwood drinks wine from Mormont’s skull. One mutineer grabs a woman and bounces on her ass so her large breasts bounce. She’s covered in scrapes and bruises. All the women look battered. Creepy Torchwood guy — Burn Gorman as Karl Tanner — raves about what a vicious murderer he is and how much they paid him to kill people in Kings Landing.
The midwife brings a son to Torchwood. All the women chant “gift for the gods”, Torchwood out so he decides to give the Walkers what they want: the child. Instead of slicing and dicing him up in the hall like every pleasant guest ever. You’d almost think he was a mate of Waldo’s (that dude who hosted the Red Wedding).
The babe is left on a pile of snow in the forest.
A mutineer taunts Ghost (Jon’s wolf) by spilling water in front of the cage, saying “Are you thirsty?” The water freezes. A Walker is on its way.
Hodor hears the babe crying. Bran sends Summer hunting for the babe. He falls into a trap.
HOLD THE DOOR. HOLD THE DOOR. Poor Hodor.
The travelers are captured by the mutineers.
From Bran’s clothing Torchwood deduces he’s highborn.
A Walker carries the babe away on a horse. In spite of the wind and snow the babe seems content.
They arrive at the Hogfather’s castle of bones and places the babe on the ice table. It’s a smaller version of Aslan’s stone table. The babe cries again. Wouldn’t you?
Another Walker comes, lifts the babe, presses its overly long fingernail to its cheek. The babe’s eyes turn Walker blue. Credits roll.
Rating: Game of Thrones is epic fantasy with boobs, butts and occasional dragons; a violent sexist soap opera
Director: Michelle Maclaren
Writers: George R R Martin, David Benioff, D B Weiss, Brian Cogman
Stars: Peter Dinklage, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Lena Headey
Running time: 56 minutes