A commentary with spoilers by Nalini Haynes and puns by Edward Haynes
Watching the intro sequence fills me with need to see someone’s real-life clockwork versions of these Game of Thrones places. I bet someone somewhere has either done it or is working on it and it would be gorgeous.
The Septon crowns Tommen king, the first of his name. When Tommen’s mother and grandfather recite “Long may he reign” they sound SO sincere. Probably the most sincere thing they’ve said all series other than when expressing hatred and anger.
Cersei notices Tommen smiling at Margery and she does not look amused.
“You still mourn for Joffrey… He would have been your nightmare”. In spite of her mother’s love, Cersei knew Joffrey well.
Jorah Mormont tells Daenerys that Joffrey is dead. Daario took the navy because “I heard you like ships”. Her council discusses taking Westeros. The masters of Yunkai have retaken the city. In Astapoor a butcher threw over the council and took over the city. Thus Daenerys receives a rude awakening to the realities of life. She realizes she needs to learn to rule.
Littlefinger and Sansa walk up a road to the Eyre. He claims Sansa is his niece, just like in the books, so I’m wondering how she gets from here to the dreaded fate in the TV series but not the books.
Lyssa recognises Sansa but tells her to never address her correctly in public.
Robin throws the glass bird Littlefinger gave him through the moon door. Lyssa professes her love for Littlefinger, declaring that she murdered her husband. Littlefinger tries to delay the wedding but she has the Septon waiting in the wings. She declares she’ll scream so loudly on her wedding night — and proceeds to do so.
Cersei and Tywin decide a fortnight’s mourning is sufficient before Margaery marries Tommen then another fortnight until Cersei marries. So many weddings. How many will die?
Tywin discloses that their mines are closed. Cersei learns the harsh realities of international money lending.
Arya is still reciting the names of the people she wants to kill beside the campfire. She says, “The Mountain” then the Mountain’s brother tells her to shut up. He doesn’t seem to have been injured in the fight at the inn. She says there’s one more name — and names The Hound.
Lyssa gossips about Catelyn with Sansa. The younger sister relishes in telling tales on her older sister in spite of the older sister’s demise. Lyssa becomes malicious and hurts Sansa. Sansa cries and, while Lyssa comforts her, she tells Sansa that they’ll execute Tyrion soon so she can marry her cousin Robyn and have some inbred children. Oh joy.
Podrick struggles with controlling his horse. Brienne tells Podrick he can leave. He rides on doggedly. She’d have more luck if she actually trained him instead of being obstructive.
Arya, reunited with Needle, resumes her water dancer training.
The Hound provokes Arya who pricks him with Needle. He hits her, taunts her some more and stalks away.
Minion says, “He ain’t nothing but a hound dog.”
And so the puns begin.
Princey pooh from Dorn doesn’t refuse a royal escort from Cersei. He has 8 daughters and says the 5th is difficult. He says Cersei’s daughter is safe. “We don’t hurt little girls in Dorn”.
Brienne learns how absolutely useless Podrick is. But he wants to help her with her armor. She declines. This couple is the light relief. Brienne likes Podrick when she realizes how loyal he was to Tyrion and takes pity on him, allowing him to help her with her armor.
The rapes continue at Craster’s. It’s really over the top. We do not need to see actual rapes to remind us these bastards are abusing women constantly.
Jojen has a vision while Jon’s violent friend spies. Jojen now has new powers: his hand is aflame. I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a vision or what.
“Have you seen what I can do with a knife?” says the guy who cut off Jaime Lannister’s hand.
“Yes, you accept a helping hand from others.” I — I think I may have punned. I’m sorry.
Torchwood plans to rape Meera in front of the others. His men tie her feet together. You’re doing it wrong, dontcha understand the plumbing?
Jojen offers to help Torchwood with his sight. Jojen says he saw Torchwood die, his body burn and the snow fall and bury his bones. Just before Torchwood puts a dagger in him, someone screams.
Jon’s friend slices Bran’s leg then tells him he’s taking Bran for a ride. When Bran yells for Jon, taker-of-hands uses his hand to cover Bran’s mouth.
HOLD THE DOOR, his eyes are white. I guess Bran is getting busy.
Jon dances in his black leather armor while Hodor tackles the taker of hands and murders him. Hodor is devastated when he realizes what he’s done but he obeys Bran, cuts him free and rescues the others.
Bran wants to see Jon but Jojen tells him Jon won’t allow Bran to go north to find the 3-eyed Raven. Torchwood threatens Jon. He fights dirty while Jon dances, turns his back, dances — and sheaths a sword in his gut while Torchwood taunts him. One of the raped women takes her power back by stabbing the rapist in the back. He turns to murder her but Jon makes a point. Right through his head and out of his mouth. Torchwood collapses.
10 mutineers are dead but one has run away. He passes the cage where Ghost was held. Ghost extracts his revenge. Then there were none.
The women decline Jon’s offer of sanctuary but tell him to burn the keep to the ground with the dead. They need smores of this.
Rating: Game of Thrones is epic fantasy with boobs, butts and occasional dragons; a violent sexist soap opera
Director: Michelle Maclaren
Writers: George R R Martin, David Benioff, D B Weiss
Stars: Peter Dinklage, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Lena Headey
Running time: 53 minutes